It's an Akatsuki Thing
by xAkumaxTenshix
Summary: Request from tehbeastxx WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THIS? WHY ME? WHY NOT MY SISTER? Wait, I didn't have one! What happens when a normal....kind of..... girl joins the Akatsuki? one-shot


**Request from tehbeastxx. Finally, I'm done with this! It's about 4000 words long. Definitely my longest One-shot…….oh wait, I only did one other one. Oh well, enjoy! Rate and review!**

**I love the Akatsuki!**

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***It's an Akatsuki Thing***

* * *

I'm beautiful, I'm sweet, I'm kind. Mary-sue much, no? Tell you the truth, most of that was a lie. At first glance, I look like what you can call a pretty princess, or a plastic Barbie doll. Whatever floats your boat…..or sinks it. But that's not the point here! What I'm saying is that I'm not your average girl. Who is?

I have waist length dark, red hair that I leave in two high ponytails. Why? Because I love it like that. I have emerald green eyes and a pale complexion. At first glance, I'm perfect, or so they say. But then again, after two minutes with me, people tend to change their mind………or run away. Don't ask why.

My life has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. My mom is gorgeous, I'll tell you that. She's a platinum blonde with green eyes. My dad is okay, I guess. He has dark red hair, much like my own, and normal brown eyes. Ever since I was little….. okay, there was nothing special, really. Except for one _tiiiny_ thing; I'm good at medical jutsus. People say that I would surpass the boob-full Sannin herself! Oh, the stress…

Okay, that's not the point! When I turned seventeen, the Akatsuki happened to just plop down on my doorway and drag me away. No, I didn't mean it figuratively. Why? Only Kami knows…or maybe not. I'm not saying that I'm unhappy here. Oh wait, I am!

* * *

"Arashi," The leader, aka Pein, spoke with is usual 'I am Kami' tone. For your information, you are _not_ Kami! You are just another ninny! Oh dear gods, please tell me that he can't read minds. "Arashi?" He spoke again, this time a little more annoyed than the last.

"Hai," I did a comical salute , "Yes sir, yes!" Oh, the joy of doing this! You _have_ to try this one day. Fine, call me cuckoo, but it's your life, not mine……. That made no sense whatsoever.

"You do understand that the Akatsuki will eventually dwindle in numbers, yes?"

"Well ob—"

"So we must find a way to make the Akatsuki everlasting," He just interrupted me! Goodness, if you ask a question, at least wait for the doggone answer! But nooo, I'm just not 'special' enough to listen to. What a buttface! Again, I pray that he isn't a psychic.

"How?"I asked curiously. Curiosity killed the cat, but I am no cat, so I'll live! He better not be talking about turning us all into Jashinists! One swearing holy priest is good enough for me, thank you. For some odd reason, Pein chuckles. Lovely; just great!

"Pick one Akatsuki member," He smirks, "And mate." Mate?! MATE?! HOLY MOTHER COW! HE IS NOT TELLING ME TO GET MY FREAK ON WITH ONE OF THEM!

I should freak out now, shouldn't i?

Do i?

I think not! Or my name would not be Kitsune no Aoi! Oh, wait…… it isn't!

"A-are y-you………." I don't know how to put this, "CRAZY?!" The leader looks at me as if _I_ were the one slowing loosing sanity as we all know it! Maybe I was……..

"No," He was dead serious. I wished he was _dead_ instead. That's right! I put a death wish upon Pein! Go Arashi! Okay, back to the problem. This isn't fair! But then again, is life ever fair? "You will go on a date with each one to choose," Mr. Leader Ass-Face stated oh-so-calmly. Darn his calm face to the depths of the Underworld!

* * *

AkaLOSER #1

I wait patiently to see who will walk out that retched door. Okay, patiently isn't exactly the right way to explain this…….Ah, what gives? I WAS MEGA NERVOUS! I pray to Kami-samma that it isn't a plant that walks out…..er, in.

And guess what?

Kami-samma must detest me, since the first one was Zetsu. Go figure!

"Where in the bologna are we going," I sighed, rubbing my poor aching temples.

"The botanical gardens," His white voice spoke calmly. **"Or we can eat you,"** did I ever tell you that Zetsu was a walking freak show? Oh, I didn't? Pardon me……not.

"So now we're going to visit your relatives?" Smart, Arashi, smart. But I couldn't help it! I'm talking to a plant! P. L. A. N. T. plant!

"**Be lucky I don't eat you,"** Good bye dear father, good bye dear mother, good bye dear sister (if I had one) goodbye (un)dear AkaLosers, good bye my (mis)fortunes, goodbye purple cow………GOODBYE!

* * *

The roses are gorgeous. The daffodils are pretty. The tulips are breathtaking. The air is fresh and crisp. So how can I not be enjoying it? Try enjoying _anything_ while listening to a cannibalistic man—er, plant, talk to flowers! What a _great_ sight. Here we are, in the botanical gardens……OF DOOM! No seriously, everything in here is carnivorous. Try sticking your hand into one of the roses and you'll see what I'm talking about.

"Come here," Zetsu's white side interrupted my little thoughts. **"Now,"** and there is his other self. Who doesn't find that creepy? Poor little ol' me, doomed to be stuck with the AkaLoser. I'm only seventeen years young! I don't deserve this torture.

"Yes, Plant—er, Zetsu!" I smiled really big and goofy. Hopefully, that would cover up for calling him a plant.

"Do you think I'm really a plant?" He looked at the floor, **"Should I eat you?"** Wait, was he sad?! Holy mother cows! AND DID HE WANT TO EAT ME?! HOLY MOTHER DUCKLING!

"No. Yes. No. yes," I began debating if it were better to say 'yes' or 'no'. Saying yes would probably make me dinner, unless he liked being a plant. Show some love, Kami-samma! "Oh, for goshness sake, YES!" I rubbed my poor little temples. No, not where you pray, dumbasses! Why would I rub a holy place? Okay, that sounded _sooo_ wrong.

"You're right, I am." Zetsu, once again, interrupted my train of thoughts**, "Ignorant child."**

Should I be shocked?

No.

Am I?

Yes! Of course! I just met a talking plant! Just lovely! I hate the stupid Pein! That's right, you Akatsuki fangirls, I just dissed your little leader! What now, suckers? Okay, off topic; back to this so called 'date'; it's more like a trip to your death if you ask me! And I am _**not**_ignorant! Unless ignorance truly is bliss, then I want to be brimming with the disease of ignorance!

"It's okay, Daisy, it's okay," I look over to see Zetsu….soothing a flower? A dead flower that no soothing could revive, that is. Okay, this is getting crazy. Oh wait, it already was! I pick up a rose, careful not to let it devour me, obviously. Come on, who wants to be a flower's lunch? Really!

"Oops," I casually shrugged as I dropped the rose and smashed it daintily with my foot. Ha! Take that stupid flowers! MUWAHHAHAHH! Okay, back to the topic. Zetsu was mad, fuming mad, that is. I think I just wrote a letter to Santa saying that I wanted the new toy called 'death' for Christmas, but it came early……Isn't life a big bowl of mega-fun.

He charges at me.

I run, and run, and run.

Until I get to the base. Yes, I know the direction! (duh?) Thank goodness I didn't die.

* * *

AkaLOSER #Dos

Zetsu is out of the competition, for sure. Why? Must I really explain this simple thing you dimwits? I think so! Two words: Man-eating bipolar plant! Okay, that was three words, but you get the drift.

I wonder who the next one will be. Really, anyone is better than Zetsu. Anyone! And that's saying something.

The door slowly creaks open and a mysterious figure walks in.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Yep, you guessed it! Or not……. It's Tobi! He's just an innocent little boy, right? After the trip with Zetsu, I learned that anything is possible. Come on, I just saw a grown man talking to plants like it was a living object! And when I smashed a rose, he tried to kill me! You tell me if you're not traumatized after that. So, from now on, I shall believe that anything can happen! Can cows fly? Someday, we all will fly. Can flowers talk? According to Zetsu, yes. Will I ever be cured from the disease called insanity? If there is a miracle! Okay, come on, we all know one thing: once a weirdo, always a weirdo. For all I know, Tobi could be like Itachi's long-lost cousin or something! Farfetched, I know, but hey, it's the AkaLOSERS we're talking about.

"What are we going to do," Really, I can't imagine myself on a…….. dare I say it……..DATE! with this little boy. It makes me feel like a stupid pedophile! Oh my dear pandas…….

"LET'S GO PLAY WITH DEIDARA-SEMPAI!" As usual, he was sugar high. I bet you my life that he's higher than the clouds right now! Isn't he always? Yes, no, maybe so?

"Play?" I could swear that my left eye was twitching like a mad hyena, if that makes any sense. Come on, that sounded so wrong! This could have been a yaoi if I weren't here. I shall cast my magical powers and disappear. Shhh, you can't see me!

"LET'S GO TAKE ONE OF HIS CLAY BIRDS!" I am bombarded with sugar high-ness. Oh, what can go wrong? Note the sarcasm, ladies and gents. Anyways, taking a clay bird, huh? Sounds fun and _not_ dangerous at all. I'm in! Crazy, yes? Come on, I'm Arashi, crazy as a storm! Okay, that was so corny that even corn would shiver in fear, if that made any sense.

* * *

Did we do what he wanted? Yes. That explains why we are both tied up to a chairs, like some prisoners. And who tied us up, you ask? Guess who? The one and only girly man. Yes, Deidara-chan! Aren't I so loveable? No? Well, excuse you!

"Give it back, Tobi un," His masculine voice didn't match his girly appearance, at all! Plus, who gets overworked with a little piece of squashed up clay? The answer: a kindergarten girl, or Deidara.

"TOBI DOESN'T HAVE IT," How in the world can he still grin like this? Oh, wait, I'm grinning as well! Aren't I such a hypocrite? Please don't answer. "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"No, un," Deidara gave him a death glare. Oh, so I'm not important enough for a death glare? I see how it is, Deidara-_chan_. "Give it, hmmm"

"TOBI DOESN'T HAVE IT!!!!!"

"Right un," He rolled his eyes. Hello? I'm still here you know!

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!!"

"No you're not hmmm,"

"YES!"

"NO UN"

"YES!"

"NO, UN"

"YES!" Oh god, this continuous back and forth thing is so annoying. Die, Tobi, for making me do this. Die Deidara for being such a stupid stubborn buttface! Stupid boys and their stupid stubbornness!

"Okay, okay," I sighed, catching their attention after they've ignored me for like, what, eons?

"I forget you were there, Arashi, un," Deidara turned to me smirking. Was that amusement I saw in those baby blues?

"What the fu—" I turned to see that Tobi was staring at me. How he got out of his chair is very on well unknown.

"What is fu?" Tobi asked so curiously….AND LOUDLY! I must not cuss in front of children. Come on, we all know that it's practically worse than killing! Poor little kids and their innocent minds polluting with such filthy words that explode out of my mouth. To be frank, I don't really care.

"She was about to say fu—"

"Duckies!" I exclaimed with a goofy grin. Deidara looked at me like I was dancing around in my birthday suit, minus the blush, of course. And Tobi….. I could lie and tell you that he was amused, but truthfully, I couldn't see behind his darned mask! "Fuduckies!" I exclaimed proudly at my new-found word. Ain't I a genius?

"Are you on crack, un?"

* * *

AkaLOSER number san! (san is three in Chinese……and japans! Kacha! Killed two birds with one watermelon!)

Would you like to know how _that_ ended? Okay! Since I'm so utterly kind, I shall tell you the tale of the lost and lonely girl called 'Arashi'……… Once upon a—JUST KIDDING! Deidara just let us out after I handed him his stupid little art! Geez, what I a total jerk-face! All that for what?

A bird.

A stupid bird.

A stupid clay bird.

A stupid clay bird that can explode.

A stupid clay bird, made by Deidara, that can explode.

And lady and gents, that's how you make a sentence! (insert clapping sounds right here) Okay, seriously though, _**why?**_ Okay, no time to think about the answer, since I'm waiting for my next 'date'. Serial killer would be much more fitting!

"Hello, Arashi-chan!" And there he—it—was, blue skin, Samehada, and all. Yup, kiddies, it's Kisame! Big whoop.

* * *

The date was nothing worth mentioning, seriously. All we did was go to an aquarium. Go figure, huh? The fishies looked dead. Really, they were on the surface of the water……..just floating. The only thing alive was a stupid dolphin that kept running into the glass. Do they even make creatures that dumb?

Oh right, let's not mention that Kisame was talking to the dolphin. What's up with the AkaLOSERS and talking to non-talking things?! Why did I have to suffer this….. I'm just a poor, innocent, sweet (cough) little girly-poo. Oh yes, this was the exact conversation Kisame had. Yay, memory!

"_Don't worry Polly, I'll bust you out!"_

"………"

"_You're so beautiful,"_

"……_."_

"_Yes, I know, so am I,"_

"……_."_

"_What? The fishes all died?"_

"……_."_

"_It can't be,"_

"……_."_

"_Trust me, Polly, I'll get you out!"_

It was a one sided conversation, seeing that Polly didn't answer back. If I were her, I would have run away; far, far, far away from the scary man. Yes, very far indeed.

* * *

AkaLoser Numbah…. FOUR!

I wasn't _too_ worried now. I mean, come on, the worse was already over. Yeah, I'm talking about Mr. I-talk-to-plants and Mr. I-talk-to-dolphins. Yes, the worse is definitely over.

Okay, let's just cut to the chase. Here I am, in one of Akatsuki's _lovely_ little room. And guess what I'm doing? Yes, I'm pacing back and forth, chanting my little mantra: I'll be okay, I'll be okay.

Should you pity me?

Yes.

Do you?

Well, _do you?_

The door opens and I hold my breath, hoping that whoever this is wouldn't want to kill me. Oh heck, _everyone_ wants to kill me. After praying, I open my eyes. Oh, looky here! It's Akatsuki's money whore!

Kakuzu.

What was he going to do? Lock me up in a room while he counts his precious little money.

* * *

That's exactly what he did.

So now, I'm sitting in a room—_his_ room—watching him coo to his money.

A grown man crooning over his green paper—it's such a sad sight, I almost cried. Haha, not! I had to mentally slap myself to restrain from laughing. Oh, and maybe I slapped myself _physically_ as well. Guess I need a trip to the loony bin, yes?

"Kakuzu," I can't stand this anymore. I really can't. I don't hate money. As I matter of fact, I worship it's ever gracious step. I JUST COULDN'T STAND THE MONEY WHORE! The remainder of my poor sanity slipped down the drain.

The money—er, Kakuzu—snaps his head in my direction. Okay, never mind the fact that I was going to tell him to grow up………he's freaking scary. Poor, lil' ole me. Oh, dear Kami, what ever did I do wrong to receive such a cruel and unjust punishment……..

* * *

So I sat, and sat and sat………. until he finally finished counting his darned money and let little ole me out.

So now I'm sitting, and sitting, and sitting………. Until he door swings open to reveal a very….um, shirtless Hidan. OH NO! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! Again, I should consider the looney bin.

"What the fuck are you looking at, bitch?" He growled at my meager little self. I'm no female dog, thank you very much. I am a female human…….or so I think. Who knows?

"You?" I try, very very UBER hard to get the right answer. Knowing Hidan and his aggressive nature, the wrong answer would be 'lights out, Arashi' even if I was just an innocent little girl…………. Haha innocent my booty!

"Sexy, ain't I?" Maybe……..oh, who am I lying to? HELL YA! But you're also evil and sadistic……like I was going to say that.

"Yes?"

"Was that a fucking question?"

"No?"

"There you fucking go again!" He threw his arms up in the air. Then he glared at me. "Come with me," He smirked……..sadistically of course.

* * *

My. Poor. Virgin. Eyes. Okay, the virgin part didn't make sense he wasn't doing anything er….sensual, let's say.

But he was killing himself!

His blood was……….EVERYWHERE!!!

On the walls.

On the floor.

On his body.

On his face.

On his bed.

On the drawers.

Oh, and let's not forget that it was on my face………MY POOR INNOCENT FACE!

So what did I do?

Being the smart person that I was, I ran out of the room, quietly, like a skilled ninja. Nah. I stomped on the guy until he was blue and _then_ ran out of the room like a ninja. By then, he was trying to kill me. Luckily, Pein stopped him. Yay, I'm not skewered by a pointy object!

Then what did I do?

I washed my face………..as well as the rest of my poor, tired body.

And now, I'm waiting for my next prey. Pssh, more like _I _was the prey.

Suddenly, the door opens to reveal a stoic……..

UNICORN!

Nah, just kidding. It was Uchiha Itachi. The only one in the Akatsuki who I considered normal. Oh wait, he killed his family—never mind. Why am I always proven wrong?! Do you hate me, Kami?

And of course, Itachi, being the gentleman he was, waited until I finished cussing out poor Kami for giving me bad luck. Surprisingly, he didn't leave like how some other people –cough- would have just picked up their saggy butts and stomped away, leaving an earthquake.

"Where are we going?" I ask him, a little embarrassed by my sudden outburst.

"Weapon master," He replied with a small smile—no wait, it's gone! Does the world _have_ to prove me wrong and make me seem like an idiot?

"Then let's go!" I refrained myself from cussing out the world like I did with the Kami. Silly me.

* * *

"Do you want a weapon?" Itachi asked with no emotion. Boy, was he gorgeous.

"Why?" A weapon in _my_ hands meant sudden death to someone…….probably me.

"As a present," Even though his voice had no emotion to it, it was so sweet! Better than what the other buttheads made me sit through.

"Sure?" It wasn't an answer, it was a question, hence the question mark. He tossed my a diamond crusted kunai…..it was kind of like a diamond ring, but more deadly and less romantic.

"Let's go," His voice sounded…..eh, we all know how it sounded.

"Thank you, Itachi-_kun_," I must be crazy, trying to aggravate the _great_ Uchiha. Yes, I truly am mentally impaled.

I expected him to kill me, but instead he gave a strained chuckle and messed up my hair like an older brother would do to his sibling. Except he wouldn't do that with Sasuke. I bet Sasuke would kill him if he did.

As I was imagining the scenario in my head, I noticed that Itachi walked off without me! What a buttface!

"HEY WAIT UP!"

* * *

Two more people……..I'm so happy I could kill myself. Wait, that didn't make sense. Oh yes it does! I wanted this to end now! And two more people is torture! Ok, now it truly doesn't make sense. But it _is_ me that we're talking about.

"Hurry up, I hate to wait," I could already guess who it was. I looked up to see Sasori—without his old geezer puppet. Wow, he's cute……or his puppet is.

"So I've noticed," I piped and followed him. Where was he going again? I didn't know!

What if he was going to kill me?

What if he was going to feed me to his puppets as a snack?

What if-- okay, that's just gross.

* * *

So I watched him work on his puppets……Yawn, boring. Really. He didn't even seem _interested_ in his puppet…..What a total boring butt!

And now I'm waiting for…..Deidara, my arch nemesis! This is where I do a comical pose, but that would prove to you that I am indeed mad……like the guy from 'The Tell Tale Heart'.

"Arashi, un," A voice snapped me out of my daydream—er, nightmare. I see nothing but blue and yellow. Why? I believe that I am looking into his eye and hair………

WHAT?

"Back up!" I tumbled backwards only to land on my butt. And what does he do? Instead to helping me, he laughs at me—harsh. "So……..where are you taking me?" I was curious. I doubt that this psychotic idiot had some decency.

"Nowhere, un," he shrugs. For once I'm right! Arashi: 1, Kami:100000000000000 and more.

Okay, that's just sad.

* * *

Nowhere? Yea, right! Since when was the open sky nowhere? WHEN?

"Get me off!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Poor little me. I bet he killed my soul. I hate him.

"Nope! Un!" he exclaim. He seems to be taking pleasure out of my helplessness……….as wrong as that sounded.

"WHY?"

"This is funny, un,"

"WHY?"

"I told you, un,"

"I HATE YOU"

"Love you too, un," He smirked.

"No homo, though, right?" I look at him with mock curiosity, all the while praying that I don't blow up. His visible eye twitches and he glares at me.

"I'm a guy, un!"

"I was kidding!" I scratched the back of my head, with a comical sweat-drop on the side of my head.

"Since I'm so nice, un," He stuffed his hands (and mouths) into his clay baggy. And what does he do? "You can see my art, un," Wait…..is he saying that he'll blow me into smithereens? "No, I won't blow you up, un," Is he psychic too?! Hope not.

So he blows his art up. _Big_ surprise.

But boy, is it pretty. All the colors and the **'boom'** of it all. Makes this date worthwhile, really.

Now that I think about it, Deidara wasn't really that bad….. I guess.

"Aren't I so cool, un?" He smirks arrogantly. Never mind, he's horrible.

* * *

"So, who do you pick?" Konan asks me curiously.

"Uh," I took a deep breath, "If I absolutely have to….."

"Yes?"

"Deidara," I whisper.

"What?" Oh, Konan don't act like you don't like.

"DEIDARA!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Again. Take that, origami lady! She smiles wickedly and pulls the curtains that magically appeared. Either that, or I didn't notice it.

What was behind it?

The whole Akatsuki. Laughing, snickering, trying to not laugh or snicker, or looking at me like I was in the looney bin.

"You … haha……fell…..hahha………..for………ahha………it!" Konan stated between laughs. I fell for what?

"Every year, we have Akatsuki day. It's a special celebration just for the Akatsuki. We play a trick on someone just for the heck of it," Sasori automatically responded, as if it was practiced. I hated them.

"But now we know that you like me, un," Deidara smirked at me. I hate him. I hate them. I will cut that smirk off his face!

"that was only because I had to!" I hate them to buttfaced hell! Darn them.

"Calm down Arashi; it's just an Akatsuki thing."

* * *

**DONE! Also, check out my on-going series, "Kurayami no Hime" . it's about Sasuke! I'm pooped. I was typing in the dark because I was too into the story to turn the lights on and it got dark -.-" I'm so weird.**

**Hope you liked it!**

**Reveiws=cookies. **

**Nuff said!**


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